A Life to Live
by ObsessivelyOdd
Summary: Part 2/3. Sequel to Duty to the Dead. Full sequel following soon, I promise! Alex made a choice and it cost him dearly. How is he dealing with the grief and guilt that accompanies his new life?


_A/N: Ok so this is the second one-shot in a series of three that follows 'Duty to the Dead'. It is written from Alex's POV after he has moved to Germany. Strange, I actually wrote this trilogy in reverse... Ah well. Anyway hope you enjoy it, and keep an eye out for A Matter of Honour!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Alex Rider. I am not making any money of this. I am just a teenager who is scared of lawyers. All rights belong to the fantastic Anthony Horrowitz._

_***_

I stand up and walk across the room.

It doesn't really change anything. I don't feel better now. But for those few brief seconds it felt good to be doing something, even something as pointless as that.

My hands are pale. I don't think I've ever seen them as pale as this before, and I wonder, briefly, why until the pool of sadness rises up and overflows again.

I don't know what surprises me most, the fact that I am still capable of feeling this much pain or the fact that I am not feeling even more.

I admit that, even now, a part of me still wishes that Wolf had simply followed his orders but it has faded into the background, a small voice at the back of my head whispering regretfully for a lost opportunity; a chance for things to be simple, wasted. But it is weak now, almost nonexistent.

It's like the shock and the pain of finding out that J- that she was dead momentarily paralysed me, killed me. I was dead in all but name.

I laugh at the irony. Now I am dead in name only.

Well... maybe not quite. I have survived, I exist, but I have not quite worked my way up to living yet. My existence is enclosed in these four grey walls, dictated by this bed and this table and this chair.

Apparently there is a nice view out of the windows.

I haven't looked yet.

I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. Lifeless, dull, grey. I don't know if it's me I'm describing or everything around me. I can't tell the difference.

Mostly, I guess I just feel numb, shocked, like jumping into a lake of freezing water, where everything just leaves you for one second and you gasp, not even properly registering the cold.

It's been a _long_ second.

There are other feelings though: the pain that every so often will paralyse me again as realisation hits me, anger at those who let this happen, though this is fading fast, now. I think I have realised that it is pointless. It has been replaced by guilt. Guilt for not being there for her when she needed me. Guilt for not thinking about the consequences of my actions.

But even so... I don't think I could have done anything differently. I had a choice and I made it. And even if I had to make that choice over again, knowing the consequences, I would choose the same path as I did.

If I had known that they would leave her unprotected, if I had known that they would throw her to the proverbial wolves, I would have tried to find her. I would have tried to save her.

But I didn't know. I couldn't know. I thought they would be watching her in case I decided to show up there.

I should have made her go back to Washington as soon as all of this started.

I am trying...

I'm not sure for what, but every day is a struggle, as I try to breathe and sleep and eat, things that used to come so easily to me. I have to be strong for Amethyst. She's having a hard time right now.

She doesn't speak much German, and I'm trying to teach her, but it's so hard to look at her and know that I gave up Jack's life for hers.

I don't blame her. It wasn't, in the end, her choice to make. It was my choice, but I didn't know what I was choosing between.

I couldn't have chosen differently though, even if I had. I just _couldn't_.

She's isolated here, she wants to go somewhere where she speaks the language, but we're not safe there yet. We'll have to stay here for a few years at least and by the time it's safe for us to leave, I don't think she'll want to.

Turns out she didn't know about Yassen's job either.

She hates him for it at the moment, though I think she'll forgive him. Mainly she's just mad at him for leaving her alone, for not warning her.

And for lying to her, don't forget the lies.

It is the curse of our world. Living your life surrounded by a fog of lies, constantly swirling and shifting so that different people see different parts of you... and no-one sees it all.

It gets lonely.

I tried to explain it to her this morning. I think she understands.

I haven't told her that he's alive yet.

I probably should, but I don't know if it'll make it better or worse.

He will come back to her eventually. I just hope it's not too late.

It's too late for Jack.

Oh Gods, _Jack.._.

The pain is here again, welling up out of that deep, black hole to consume me. I don't know if I can take it.

It feels like it will never end.

But I know it must. Everything ends.

It was one of the many lessons Ian taught me, one of the few that was not directly related to his job.

Everything must die, everything must end, nothing can last forever. Not the giddy feeling of happiness, not the overwhelming pain of despair. Both must pass to make way for new things. There are only two things that are certain: change and death. Nothing can escape them both forever.

A bird sings outside the window. It's like I've never heard it before. Such an innocent sound.

I glance out of the window. There is a lake down there, deep blue and sparkling in the sunlight, surrounded by mountains. I can see some people playing on the beach, laughing. I should join them.

Life is out there. Death may be drawing closer to me every day, but there is no reason for me to sit here and act like it has already reached me.

It is time for me to rejoin the living.

***

_A/N: So what did you think? Don't worry, the third is less emotion based and has a lot more action. Anyway, review an tell me what you thought!_


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